Saturday, December 12, 2009

50 Things To Do In A Church:

1 - Pull aside an unruly child in a preschool Sunday School class and say: "If you're bad in here, you'll go to Hell."
2 - A week beforehand, find a member of ACT-UP. Tell him the scheduled sermon is entitled "Why God Sent AIDS to Punish Homosexuals".
3 - Put stray dogs in coat closets.
4 - Un-tune the piano.
5 - Replace the pianist's sheet music with "Stairway to Heaven".
6 - Going through all the hymnals, mark song 666.
7 - Find an empty seat, and ask the person next to it: "Is this seat SAVED?"
8 - Toss around a giant beach ball before service, like at Grateful Dead concerts.
9 - Ten minutes before it starts, find a kid in the front rows, hand him a dollar, and tell him to ask the preacher: "Would you rather be stoned or crucified?"
10 - Hide copies of Hustler inside the pulpit. Point them out.
11 - Start a wave.
12 - Do cool things with the lighting.
13 - When attendance is taken, sign on fake names like "Hugh G. Rection" and "Oliver Klozoff".
14 - Wear an ankh or a new-age crystal pendant.
15 - When the choir sings, roll your eyes and grumble: "Oh, Christ! Are they gonna do another SONG?"
16 - Make up your own words to the songs.
17 -Twenty minutes into the service, look at your watch, stand up, and say: "Oh shit. This isn't the wedding!" Run out quickly.
18 - Eat dry Cap'n Crunch through the entire service.
19 - If there is a crying baby, go over and tell the mother: "IF YOU DON'T SHUT THAT GODDAMN THING UP SO HELP ME GOD I'LL KILL IT!!!"
20 - Dress all in black, or in camo.
21 - Pierce the body of a tiny animal with stainless-steel wire. Wear it in your ear as jewelry. If you are male, wear two. Change sets for the evening service.
22 - If it is an Easter service, wear a pastel jacket, tie, and matching shorts. If you are male, wear a floral-print dress instead.
23 - At a church dinner, scoop up a forkful of mashed potatoes. Announce that you can see an image of Jesus.
24 - Place blocks of dry ice near the air ducts. Take off your shoes and socks.
25 - Hide near the baptismal pool with a block of sodium. At the first mention of "fire and brimstone", throw it in.
26 - Inflate balloons, then send them off.
27 - Mark places in the Bible or hymnal with religious-themed Far Side cartoons.
28 - Turn in the Bible to the Ten Commandments (Exodus 20: 3-17). Draw in asterisks and write exceptions at the bottom of the page.
29 - Make the sun reflect off your watch into the preacher's face.
30 - Make calls to 900 numbers on the phone in the kitchen.
31 - During the service, play with plastic dinosaurs. If someone asks what you're doing, tell them: "These are dinosaurs. They ruled the earth over 65 million years ago."
32 - Discreetly position a number of bottle rockets on the floor. Discreetly light them.
33 - Snicker every time the preacher talks about someone being stoned, especially Stephen.
34 - Dip communion wafers in communion wine. Eat it and exaggerate on how good it is.
35 - When they pass around the collection plate, drop in a piece of paper with Pat Robertson's MasterCard number.
36 - Turn to your neighbor, whisper: "This do in remembrance of me," and lick them.
37 - Fart, and have a friend shout: "Hark! An angel has spoken!"
38 - Blow bubbles.
39 - Fake a possession.
40 - Distribute condoms.
41 - Speak in tongues.
42 - Ask where the nearest ashtray is.
43 - Drool in the collection plate.
44 - Ask someone what they think about the Book of Peleponnesians. After they tell you, inform them that there is no Book of Peleponnesians.
45 - After a Catholic service, stand outside and tell Polish jokes. When someone points out that Pope John Paul II came from Poland, act embarrassed.
46 - Show unusual interest in any reference to the word "Ministry".
47 - At a church supper, bring a casserole with a ring or piece of a wristwatch embedded inside.
48 - Overnight, have the stained-glass windows replaced with new ones depicting comical, erotic, or death-related imagery. Send the bill to the pastor.
49 - Write on the bathroom wall: "The eyes of the LORD are upon you!!!"
50 - Spread the word that there'll be a rave party at the address of the church next Saturday at midnight.

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