OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR WOMEN:
1. Drive into Ultra Tune when the odometer reaches 10,000 kilometres since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee , read free paper.
3. 15 minutes later, swipe the Visa and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Oil Change: $40.00
OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR MEN:
1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree. Swipe the Visa for $50.00.
2. Stop by the Bottle Shop and buy a slab of beer, swipe the Visa for $40, drive home.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under caravan.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 19 mm ring spanner.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Curse and swear.
12. Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16. Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly, hide old oil filter among rubbish in bin to avoid criticism from greenie family members. Drink a beer.
17. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18. Dump first litre of fresh oil into engine.
19. Remember drain plug from step 11.
20. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21. Drink beer.
22. Discover that first litre of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23. Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24. Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25. Begin swearing fit.
26. Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27. Swear for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
29. Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
31. Dump in five fresh litres of oil.
33. Lower car from jack stands.
34. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
36. Test drive car.
37. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38. Car is impounded.
39. Call loving wife, make bail.
40. 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Driving Under Influence fine: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Total: $4,185.00 ... but at least you know the job was done right!