Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
No one is listening until you fart.
Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
Don't squat with your spurs on.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes of bad judgment.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.