Friday, January 30, 2009

That's How The Fight Started.....

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When his wife asked him why, he replied, "Well, she still hasn't used the gift I bought her last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

--------------------------

My wife walked into the den & asked "What's on the TV?"

I replied "Dust".

And that's how the fight started.....

--------------------------

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And that's how the fight started.....

--------------------------

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.

I bought her a scale.

And that's how the fight started.....

--------------------------

I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.

So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'

And that's when the fight started....

--------------------------

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'

So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's when the fight started....

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I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that's when the fight started.....

--------------------------

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's when the fight started.....

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Opus Dai's Upcoming Schedule (Just In Case You Want To See A Show).


Upcoming Shows
Feb 12 2009 8:00P
Q Bonkers Riverside, California

Feb 13 2009 8:00P
The Vu Newhall / Valencia, California

Feb 20 2009 9:00P
All Pro Visalia, California

Feb 21 2009 9:00P
Mai’s Cafe Ventura, California

Feb 22 2009 9:00A
Mountain High Resort Wrightwood, California

Feb 25 2009 9:00P
The Point After Cathedral City, California

Feb 26 2009 9:00P
Foundation Room West Hollywood, California

Feb 27 2009 8:00P
The Vibe Riverside, California

Feb 28 2009 8:00P
Slidebar Fullerton, California

Mar 5 2009 9:00P
TBA Fullerton, California

Mar 6 2009 8:00P
TBA SoCal, California

Mar 7 2009 8:00P
TBA SoCal, California

Mar 12 2009 9:30P
Hollywood Alley Mesa, Arizona

Mar 13 2009 8:00P
TBA Flagstaff, Arizona

Mar 14 2009 8:00P
TBA Albuquerque, New Mexico

Mar 16 2009 8:00P
TBA Albuquerque, New Mexico

Mar 17 2009 10:00P
EBGB’s (St.Patty’s Show!) Amarillo, Texas

Mar 18 2009 8:00P
SXSW Austin, Texas

Mar 19 2009 8:00P
SXSW Austin, Texas

Mar 20 2009 8:00P
SXSW Austin, Texas

Mar 21 2009 8:00P
SXSW Austin, Texas

Mar 22 2009 8:00P
SXSW Austin, Texas

Mar 23 2009 8:00P
TBA College Station, Texas

Mar 24 2009 8:00P
TBA Houston, Texas

Mar 25 2009 8:00P
TBA San Antonio, Texas

Mar 26 2009 8:00P
TBA Waco, Texas

Mar 27 2009 8:00P
TBA Fort Worth, Texas

Mar 28 2009 8:00P
TBA Dallas, Texas

Mar 30 2009 8:00P
TBA Abilene, Texas

Mar 31 2009 8:00P
TBA Odessa, Texas

Apr 1 2009 8:00P
TBA El Paso, Texas

Apr 2 2009 8:00P
TBA Las Cruces, New Mexico

Apr 3 2009 9:00P
TBA Phoenix, Arizona

Apr 4 2009 8:30P
Brick By Brick San Diego, California

Friday, January 23, 2009

Thanks Obama For Wanting To Close Gitmo And Other Terrorist Prisons...

Of course I'm being sarcastic. Check out this article from Yahoo here:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090123/ap_on_re_mi_ea/ml_yemen_al_qaida

Pretty much it states that a Saudi man released from Guantanamo after spending nearly six years inside the U.S. prison camp is now the No. 2 of Yemen's al-Qaida branch, according to a purported Internet statement from the terror network.

You know that closing that base and the other "secret" CIA prisons are just going to make the networks stronger don't you? Forget about the reported "unique" interrogation methods that are being done or suspects being held, by closing those bases and area, it re-releases bad people back into the arms of the ones that want to destroy civilized areas of the world in the crazy name of spreading their twisted version of Islam.

We don't want them in our prison system, other countries don't want those jackasses back either, but the terrorist networks will take them back so where are you going to keep the suspects? On Guantanamo of course!

Once again, the Democrats will be on the wrong side of history and if this country gets attacked again anytime soon, in my opinion, the blood of this country will be on the Liberals like Hilary, Edward Kennedy, and leading Dems who are pushing the new president to close them mainly because they hated Bush. Because of Bush and other Republicans, we haven't been attacked since.

As an American, keep those places open. I don't want this country attacked again.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Texas girls hoops team seeks forfeit of 100-0 win - - - UPDATE 1/26/09

A high school girls basketball team wins a blowout, 100-0 — then seeks to forfeit the game, calling the feat "shameful."

Stories here:

http://sports.yahoo.com/top/news?slug=ap-hundred-pointshutout&prov=ap&type=lgns
http://www.dallasnews.com/sharedcontent/dws/news/localnews/stories/012209dnsposhutout.40d72ee.html

Here's a portion of the story:

Kyle Queal, head of school at Covenant, a North Dallas Christian school, was not at the game, but he said there have been internal discussions about it and that more are coming.

"It was poor judgment," Queal said. "I look at the box score and look at the box score, and it was not justified. It will never happen again."

Queal said he hopes his school will work "behind the scenes" with Dallas Academy to make sure the schools continue their "long-standing" relationship.

"I'll say this," Queal said of the Dallas Academy girls, "that was an amazing testimony to their tenacity and perseverance."

Edd Burleson, director of 236-member TAPPS, had a different description. He called the Class 2A, District 3 game an "embarrassing incident."

"Our motto is 'Competition With Honor,' " Burleson said. "I can't see how the one school can live up to that."


One parent was seen as saying that (the team who won), was doing full court press and shooting 3's the whole game and that they should had backed off after a while.

Here's the thing: When did we start becoming a bunch of wusses? When I was in school and we played sports, etc, there was no mercy rule or apologizing for blow-out wins and things of that nature. There was still sportsmanship, and we learned from the losses and moved on from that.

Now, we have to be sensitive to the other teams feelings, we have to have equal teams, everyone gets a trophy, the parents fight for who's the coach and sometimes they fight the coach just to name a few things.

I'm sorry, if your team didn't want to be blown out 100-0, then maybe the other team should had played harder and made an attempt at the basket to try and draw a foul or something.

I understand that a loss or a loss of that measure can take it's toll, but teams and people are playing to win so they can make sectional, division, or even state. You put on an ass whooping and now you want to forfeit that win? (shakes head). A win is a win no matter how it happens, don't apologize for it.

Again, parents, people, administrators, grow up.

UPDATE 1/26/09

The head coach of the team that won, was fired today. Mainly because he didn't agree with the administrators about apologizing for the blowout win. The guy even said, he respectfully disagreed with the idea of apologizing. If anyone should be let go, as stated byt some news media guys, it should be the goon that scheduled the basketball. And it has even come out that the team that won, wasn't pressing or anything in the 4th quarter. They only scored 12 points so it's like they were being punks about it. Just dumb all around.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Atheists Want God Stricken From Inaugural Oath

Read article here: Yahoo!

What the fuck has happened to America? No more family values, infidelity, teen pregnancies, sky rocketing STD rates, some people hate the military (and they're the ones who protect us so we can keep our freedoms), people are suing to not have the Pledge of Allegiance done anymore and to keep the word "God" off money and now want it barred from the presidential inauguration???

People fucking grow up, sack up and grow a pair, start loving your country. I guess we can blame the hippies for this one too.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

20 Things To Do When You Are Bored In Class

1. Make a paper football and get someone to play with you. When they put their hands up into a little goal, flick the football at the teacher and immediately go back to doing your work.
2. Out of nowhere, or when it is quiet, say loud enough for the class to hear "When I say heeee-aay, you say hoooo, Heeee-aay" and see how many people say "ho"
3. At another quiet time, shout out "Marco" and then in a squeaky voice shout out "Polo senior"
4. Practice your ty-chi. Wave your arms all around like your really know what you are doing.
5. Meditate. Hum as loud as you can and when your teacher says something about it, act all offended. "Do you have a problem with my religion, sir!?"
6. If one of your friends is drinking something, in the middle of a drink start chanting "chug! chug! chug!"
7. When the class is very quiet, say in a casual voice "Knock knock"
8. When the class is quiet, sigh and say "This class is really boring"
9. Shoot rubber bands at someone, when they accuse you look confused and point to the person to the left of you. After that, point to the person on the right of you ect...
10. If you are black start singing country music, if you are white start rapping.
11. Make as many paperballs as you can and set them on your desk in a giant pile. If anyone looks at you, look tough and nod at them.
12. If you are a male, start singing Britney Spears' "Hit me baby one more time" complete with raise the roof action.
13. Take everything out of your backpack and stack it on your desk. Take out a sheet of paper and take inventory of your stuff.
14. Take an empty gum wrapper and put it in your palm, then signal someone by going "pssssst. Hey!" Make them lean all close to you and get them thinking you have something interesting to say. Look around and then give them the gum wrapper.
15. See how many tiny paper balls you can set on the person in front of you without them knowing it.
16. Tie someones shoe's together and kick them.
17. Use a kick me sign. As a challenge, see how many people you can put a kick me sign on without them knowing it.
18. Start singing "Can you feel the love tonight" from the Lion King.
19. Fall asleep. When you wake up say shit like "I had a dream and you were in it. And you! You too!...
20. Blurt out Chinese waiter talk. "SHICKEN FRIE RIE, SEVEN DOLLA"

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Redneck Pickup Lines


1) Did you fart, cause you blew me away.

2) Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special.

3) My Love for you is like diarrhea .. I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card, 'cause I'd like to sign you out.

5) Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them.

6) If you and I were Squirrels, I'd store my nuts in your hole.

7) You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

8) Man - "Fat Penguin!"
Woman - "WHAT?"
Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."

9) I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed-rock.

10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

11) Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

12) If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

13) Your face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.

Friday, January 9, 2009

REASONS WHY THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE IS HARD TO LEARN

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Beer Troubleshooting

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

2009 Employment Outlook: Gut Check for Job Seekers


by John Rossheim
Monster Senior Contributing Writer
2009 Employment Outlook: Gut Check for Job Seekers

Make no mistake: 2009 will not be kind to job seekers, no matter why they’re looking. But for those searching because they’ve lost a job, the second year of one of America’s deepest post-war recessions will be downright cruel.

With a nasty feedback loop forcing up home foreclosures and unemployment in tandem, millions more Americans are likely to lose their jobs before the carnage stops. Unemployment is projected to reach 8.5 percent by late 2009, according to a report from UCLA’s Anderson School of Management.

Indiana University economist Bill Witte sees a similarly grim picture. “An unemployment peak of around 8 percent is likely,” he says. “I wouldn’t be surprised to see a number over 9 percent.”

Against this backdrop, one statistic might seem like good news: There were 3.05 million job openings in October 2008, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics. But that’s down nearly 1 million openings from the 4.04 million reported a year earlier. And many of the jobs counted as open won’t be filled in the foreseeable future.

Some staffing firms are keeping a stiff upper lip. Manpower’s Employment Outlook survey says that employers in eight of 13 industry sectors plan to increase staffing levels in the first quarter of 2009, whereas 67 percent plan to hold the line.

But many employers are planning to cut their workforces as their businesses shrink. Just over one-third of employers expect to reduce headcount in 2009, according to a survey conducted by Mercer in early November 2008.

Sunday, January 4, 2009